A Night in Terror Park

Went to my third and final haunted house on Saturday night; Terror Park, which is housed for the last time in Cooper Stadium, home of the minor league baseball team the Columbus Clippers. Next year, the park moves along with the Clippers to it’s new home in Huntington Field (which is downtown, in the Arena District).

Now I’d heard that Terror Park wasn’t as good as some of the other local houses like ‘Dead Acres’, so my expectations were adjusted accordingly. I didn’t bring my flask, if that’s what you’re thinking – although I did consider it once.  I had free tickets acquired through a friend, so I thought “what the heck”.  In truth, it’s still a decent scare but definitely not financed as well as House of Nightmares or Dead Acres. And they have a thing for clowns.

Yes, indeed. Bozos were everywhere. Well, not THE ‘Bozo’ exactly but clown faces. Evil, nasty looking clowns – a Juggalo’s wet dream, I tell you.  So if you suffer from Coulrophobia – welcome to Hell on earth.  For the rest of us, you realize that like any given country fair, you’re more suspicious of the sexual urges of the crew than any of the monsters represented beneath the strobes.

For an obviously limited budget, I think the team put together an interesting 20-25 minute excursion.   Like years past, you start out crawling through a hearse – a real one,  opened up so most average sized folks could get by.  Other highlights included several winding tours through bloody restrooms (which gave me scatological flashbacks of some bad concert experiences), a couple of chainsaw swinging rednecks,  lots of darkness and smoke, and some time in one of the dugouts with a great view of the field & stands.

To be truthful, I went to this house as an opportunity to see the stadium one last time.  Getting so much behind the scenes touring was an unexpected treat for me and it made the whole thing worth while.  The twins and their cousin accompanied me – none being particularly horrified by their experience.

I probably had the biggest fright . . . I drank from one of the drinking fountains.  THE HORROR, THE HORROR!!!

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