The Big ‘Doh!’ Part II – 72 Virgins, But Read the Fine Print

I read somewhere this week, at Http:// I think but could’ve been elsewhere (I read a lot of webpages each day), an interesting discussion about the Al-Qaeda terrorists who carried out the 9-11 attacks as having been motivated in part by a promise of 72 virgins in the afterlife.   Most of us have heard this supposition, although depending on who you heard it from the number of virgins could be different.  Still, you get the idea from these type of statements that the attacks could’ve had a libido driven basis – which if you ask me, accounts for 99.9% of what motivates all men thru their entire lives, so it wouldn’t really be too shocking.

Now for starters, who in their right mind wants 72 VIRGINS?  I mean, c’mon – if you want me motivated to blow myself up, we better be talking 72 STRIPPERS dammit!  I want some girls with some mad skillz and a willingness to use them generously!!  Perhaps on each other.  I don’t wanna spend all of my quality afterlife time in a classroom environ, with a carrot and box of Kleenex – like Phoebe Cates in ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High’.  Ok, getting a little carried away here.

Second, and this cracks me up if it’s true although I don’t think it is, but the Mediapost article goes on to mention discussion on the ‘net asserting that the Koran doesn’t explicitly promise FEMALE virgins.   Wouldn’t that be a real kick in the short & curlys if you went through all that trouble of being, y’know – totally self-righteous and evil and shit, only to find out that when you arrived in Paradise you had just won yourself an entire high school chess team!?  Dungeons & Dragons anyone!?  Talk about the big DOH!?

However, fear not zealots, because according to a witty article by Cecil Adams at The Straight Dope, the Koran mentions a reward for the righteous, in several different translations, as being “Beautiful women with round breasts” or variations on that theme.

Ok, NOW we’re talkin’.  But clearly it doesn’t say ‘be a demonic asshole and senselessly kill innocents to get such a reward’.    I don’t speak a lick of Arabic – heck, I barely speak English – but urging social and political change thru use of unmitigated violence that is in direct contradiction to those very same social & political beliefs, well friends – that’s just being a dickhead.

Even I can translate that much. 

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